Business Plan for Kate McLellan
Company: Kate, Queen of the Universe.
Business is World Domination
Headquarters are currently A.D.H.S. but will soon be moving to the Atlantis Operation.
Highly Illegal, at least until I change that...
History and Position to Date
Introduction to Your Business
Background: Ummm. power-lust?
Why business will succeed: Passion and bloodshed.
Company vision: Take-over the universe.
Short-term goals: Year One: Global Domination
Year Two: Galactic Empire
Year Three: The Universe is mine.
Company values: Power.
Reason for this structure: Why would I want to share power?
My experience: President of my 4-H club?
My skills/qualifications: Presentation Zen.
Skills and experience: Morbid, sadistic, and raunchy.
In the words of a dear friend: "Katrina. You. Need. HELP!!" ... "Thank god I read the description of the first site, it saved me from clicking any links. I don't even want to know how you find these sites!!" ... "Eww..." ... "If you ever feel the need to dedicate another post to me please stop smoking whatever you found under the couch."
Chief Financial Officer: Mat
Skills and experience: ~ good at Math. Can actually be trusted with money. Also suggested the plexiglass cube idea, and needs to be rewarded somehow.
Director of Marketing and Sales: Nils
Skills and experience: The only person crazy enough for the job. He gets all the kibble.
Other key personnel: Stephanie, my second in command.
*Actually, anyone else I can convince would be good at this point.
Personnel to be added: Someone sane might be helpful.
Products and Services
Of the least illegal...
Item#237 It's a book... You know with paper and words in it?
Steps required to make product ready for market: There is world domination to plot!
Cost to make product ready for market: The shredded remainders of my dignity.
Time until ready for market: A year?
Patents: Who needs 'em?
Competitive advantages: Conform or die.
Market differentiation: Competition is irrelevant.
Possible new or complementary products: If I get bored with being Queen of the Universe, I can always start highly experimental research in alternate dimensions and start taking those over too.
Regulatory issues: Moving H.Q. out of A.D.H.S. might help.
Geographic scope: I'm taking over the universe. Mine, mine I say.
Customer needs: Food. Water. Exercise. Leashes and muzzles.
Market growth: 100%
Growth relative to local economy: KICK ASS!
Demographics: Doesn't matter at all.
Innovators: Evil, like-minded persons. They will have to be quietly assasinated later, of course.
Feature: World Domination Comes First.
Benefit to customer: George Bush is among the top ten for relocation to a black hole.
Proof: George Bush is among the top ten for relocation to a black hole. 'Nuff said.
Feature: Building A Galactic Empire comes next.
Benefit to customer: I will turn Pluto into a theme park.
Proof: Everyone loves Disneyland, right? Just think a /planet/ of Disneyland. Except, with more fun. And not just Disney character. And no Spongebob EVER.
Feature: Next, I take over the Universe.
Benefit to customer: Ice cream shall be declared a food group. So will chocolate. And Monday will be declare universal caffeine celebraion day.
Proof: Short school weeks = goodness.
Lord Voldemort. Darth Sidious. Sauron. Oh, and Galadriel's gonna be P.O.'d I didn't include her.
Competitors' products: L.V. - Can't even get a decent nose.
D.S. - Wrinkles, please, not the wrinkles.
S. - A giant evil eye? Bitch, please
Me - Compared to above? Beauty itself.
Strengths and weaknesses, relative to us: L.V. - He's got the Unforgivable curses. On the other hand, he was defeated by a baby.
D.S. - Use the force. Ooo Ahhh. Electrocution and lightsabers. *wants*
S. - Orcs and Wargs are soo passé.
Strengths and weaknesses, relative to each other: Voldie vs. Siddie vs. Eye.
Hmm... Voldie will definately be the first to go.
Probably Siddie next. There are, after all, some advantages to not being strictly human. Such as being rather hard to get rid of permenantly.
Critical factors for success: Those brainwashing machines had better work or someone is going to pay.
Pricing factors: Company Policy, Business Conditions, Channels of Distribution
Advertising and Promotion
Long-term promotional goals: Complete and total brainwash
Short-term promotional goals: Subliminal messages
Marketing message: "Kate is Queen" "Conform or Die" "Save the Dolphins"
Media: All possible. One must use all means at disposal if global domination is to be achieved.
Monitoring marketing effectiveness: Number of people brainwahsed/day
Promotional budget: Irrelevant.
Factors in choosing location: The Atlantis Operation. Totally and Completely Secure.
Competitive advantages: Unlike my stupid competition of other "Dark Lords", I'm easily accessed, and therefore, have easy means of escape. I am not below runnning away screaming like a child.
Distribution channels: Lying, cheating, and stealing.
Channel we will use: All of the above.
Reason for choice: Sadistic pleasure.
Sales and Sales Management
Who will conduct sales: Pretty much everyone.
Training: Training? What training?
Sales methods employed: Begging, cajoling, pleading.
Sales monitoring: Computer?
Customer complaints: Nuke them.
Materials/supplies needed: brainwashing equipment
Vendor(s): The Russians. And the Chinese. They're into some crazy shit.
Terms of sale: highly illegal
Production process: even more illegal.
Competitors' production process: In secret underground labs.
Engineering/design support: evil genuises who can be bent to my will.
Facilities and equipment: Space station, underground labs, the Atlantis Operation. (A.O.)
Quality control: brainwashing machines
Cost to become operational: Irrelevant. Victory shall be mine.
Key positions: I'm taking over the world. Minions required as of immediately. Extra rations will be provided.
Recruitment: Coscription, bribery, blackmail and brainwashing.
Dress code: You must.
Other staffing issues: Rebel and you shall be anahilated. Painfully so.
Orders in hand: Global, then Galactic, then Universal domination
Past sales: The same thing we do every nigh, Pinky, try to take over the world!
Market research: I have read the Evil Overlord's Handbook...
Assumptions: Resistance is useless.
Projected market share: fun!
Assets and liabilities: Assests= World Domination
Liabilities= Inevitable Rebellion
Gross profit: More then you can possibly imagine.
Key ratios: I'll be Queen of the Universe by the time I'm 18. MOO HA HA HA.
Cash flow: Gazillions.
Break-even point: 5 cents.
Break-even assumptions: Blackmail will go a loooong way.
10% drop in sales volume: more brainwashing!
10% rise in fixed costs: more brainwashing!
10% rise in cost of goods sold: time to watch the Breakfast Club
Funds required: 5 cents. And LOTS of Blackmail.
Use of funds: Gum.
Money from partners, investors: Me? None. "Investors"? MOO HA HA HA.
Percent of equity that is borrowed: It's like a bomb made out of bombs.
Desired funding sources: Blackmail of various World Leaders.
And Bill Gates /really/ wants that little secret I caught on video kept quiet.
When needed: A.S.A.P.
Offer to investors: Conform or Die!
Equity company is prepared to sell: None. Nils gets all the kibble.
Exit routes: Death is an exit.
Accounting System: Unhackable laptop with automatic self-destruct built in.
Reason for choice: Security.
Auditors: Myself. the IRS has nothing on me.
Sales monitoring: Interesting, to say the least.
Marketing records: MOO HA HA HA
Manufacturing/production: Populating the outer planets will require extensive research and development. And I want to turn Pluto into a theme park.
Personnel records: I want to know how long their toenails are. Big Sister is watching. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Quality control: Control is essential.
New product development: All shall love me and despair.